I have only read/listened to one of the Modern Love stories -- it really wasn't for me. Probably because had something like this been published I would've been more intrigued. I suspect your story was rejected (after a long while) because whomever advocated for sharing your story got shouted down by the ones who reminded them that the NYTimes greatly invests in that "bloated pageantry of wedding culture" you mentioned. There's a graceful anger in your story and a demanding to be acknowledge that I think didn't sit well with some deciding what stories to pursue. Women expressing anger still really isn't accepted or championed. I don't think your story is ONLY angry but I'm guessing they homed in just on those notes. I found it refreshing. There's no short of articles discussing male loneliness and anger...I'm not sure why this wasn't seen as just as appropriate a story. Because at the end of it, the point of your story is one of hope and visibility. That's positive. That's how I saw it anyway.
I had a few favorite passages but my favorite line: "Being alone is still being."
Reading this, I can see why they rejected it. It is really dispiriting how a growing number of Americans have been convinced that mainstream media outlets are “fake.” But then outlets like the NYT are so invested in the status quo that much-needed voices and perspectives like yours aren’t given a platform by them at all — even with the increased attention they may pay to single people. Your experiences really embody why a lot of the cultural narratives we have about human connection or incomplete, and dare I say farcical. But I love how you keep speaking your truth anyway. And I genuinely hope you find the special person to spend the rest of your life with someday. Come on, universe! ;)
Beautiful essay, Shani. I felt every word. Right there with you, 17 years single and trying not to give up or turn it on myself. Thank you for your honesty, your heart and your words 🩷
Love this. It speaks to the physical pain of singlehood in a personal way I've also experienced. I see here you are taking on, in no particular order: the Disney princess/happily ever after machine; the wedding-industrial complex; diamond merchants; and, the patriarchy. That's a heavy lift. I'm not surprised that a paper that holds a certain percentage of its wedding announcements for vapid society marriages found themselves unable to hit publish.
I’m 46 and I’ve been single since 2006. I’ve had a smattering of pointless dates in my 30’s and some set ups from well intentioned people, but nothing caught my attention. The last date I went on was December 2022 and I did it reluctantly. I’m done going on what seems like interviews with men just looking for the quickest way to have sex. I have high standards for myself despite a culture that tells me I should lower them because I’m well past my “sell by date” I am content being alone if the alternative is settling.
The N*w Yo*k Ti*m*s sucks. I would personally be proud they didn’t publish my article 🪭 Thank you for expressing how we think, act, are so accurately. Thank you for making us feel not alone, but connected in being human 🙏🏻
Like so much of your writing, this is so validating, and gets to the core of being single for much longer than we EVER expected. "I think faith in love in the absence of love is one of the most romantic stories we can tell." Brava!
I have only read/listened to one of the Modern Love stories -- it really wasn't for me. Probably because had something like this been published I would've been more intrigued. I suspect your story was rejected (after a long while) because whomever advocated for sharing your story got shouted down by the ones who reminded them that the NYTimes greatly invests in that "bloated pageantry of wedding culture" you mentioned. There's a graceful anger in your story and a demanding to be acknowledge that I think didn't sit well with some deciding what stories to pursue. Women expressing anger still really isn't accepted or championed. I don't think your story is ONLY angry but I'm guessing they homed in just on those notes. I found it refreshing. There's no short of articles discussing male loneliness and anger...I'm not sure why this wasn't seen as just as appropriate a story. Because at the end of it, the point of your story is one of hope and visibility. That's positive. That's how I saw it anyway.
I had a few favorite passages but my favorite line: "Being alone is still being."
Thank you! 🙏🏻
I'm so pissed at NYT and Modern Love for not publishing this 🤬 - it IS really fucking good!!
Thank you for posting this Shani! Appreciate you and everything you share with us!
Reading this, I can see why they rejected it. It is really dispiriting how a growing number of Americans have been convinced that mainstream media outlets are “fake.” But then outlets like the NYT are so invested in the status quo that much-needed voices and perspectives like yours aren’t given a platform by them at all — even with the increased attention they may pay to single people. Your experiences really embody why a lot of the cultural narratives we have about human connection or incomplete, and dare I say farcical. But I love how you keep speaking your truth anyway. And I genuinely hope you find the special person to spend the rest of your life with someday. Come on, universe! ;)
Beautiful essay, Shani. I felt every word. Right there with you, 17 years single and trying not to give up or turn it on myself. Thank you for your honesty, your heart and your words 🩷
Love this. It speaks to the physical pain of singlehood in a personal way I've also experienced. I see here you are taking on, in no particular order: the Disney princess/happily ever after machine; the wedding-industrial complex; diamond merchants; and, the patriarchy. That's a heavy lift. I'm not surprised that a paper that holds a certain percentage of its wedding announcements for vapid society marriages found themselves unable to hit publish.
I’m 46 and I’ve been single since 2006. I’ve had a smattering of pointless dates in my 30’s and some set ups from well intentioned people, but nothing caught my attention. The last date I went on was December 2022 and I did it reluctantly. I’m done going on what seems like interviews with men just looking for the quickest way to have sex. I have high standards for myself despite a culture that tells me I should lower them because I’m well past my “sell by date” I am content being alone if the alternative is settling.
The N*w Yo*k Ti*m*s sucks. I would personally be proud they didn’t publish my article 🪭 Thank you for expressing how we think, act, are so accurately. Thank you for making us feel not alone, but connected in being human 🙏🏻
Like so much of your writing, this is so validating, and gets to the core of being single for much longer than we EVER expected. "I think faith in love in the absence of love is one of the most romantic stories we can tell." Brava!