You're Lying To Yourself
This is impossible.
Welcome to Cheaper Than Therapy, a healing newsletter for 80s babies by Shani Silver. This newsletter does not publish free content, but if you’d like to read it you can subscribe here. Thank you for enjoying the work of independent writers.
We’re going to depart from the norm this week. Where I usually reserve reader questions for my advice column, Hey Shani, I thought this email that I received posed an excellent opportunity to talk about the very human desire to be believed. Too often, for too long, single people in particular have had their experiences, beliefs, and traumas dismissed and waved away by people who don’t believe us. Genuinely, I have no idea why they don’t believe us, I’ve never really known what’s in it for them. What I do know is their lack of belief is not reflective of any falsehoods on our part, but rather an indicator that they haven’t walked even half a block in our shoes. Let’s talk about it:
Dear Shani,
I was at a dinner this week with a woman I met on a solo ski trip who told me I have “two years” until I’m undesirable because, “men are visual, only like women who are ovulating, and I’ll start to go down hill really, really soon.” By the way I’m 42. Stunned, I asked her heretofore seemingly kind and reasonable husband sitting next to her if this, in his opinion, is how men think. He responded indignantly, “I’m not going to contradict my wife.” This is the second time this week a woman has offered that I “better hurry up or xyz”, unsolicited. Even going so far as to say my career, although important, really isn’t enough and that I should have kids on my own, and will just make it work. (I work in sustainability and it’s brutal and has led me to not have much room for partnership nor the thought of kids on my own.) The odd thing is, generally I feel better than ever about myself. This instance occurred on a ski trip I took by myself trying to get comfortable doing things alone, and reward myself for how much I work. I told the woman I disagreed with her and that she’s repeating antiquated patriarchal thought systems. She argued that everyone who has my line of thinking is just trying to make themselves feel better, but they don’t really believe what they are saying.
My question is: how do you respond? I tried to remain calm but I was pissed.
Remaining calm is overrated. It also doesn’t teach anyone anything and this woman is sorely in need of an education. You too, I think, could benefit from a few reframes here, because I’m personally really tired of single people being perceived as automatically wrong every time a coupled person is speaking.