Break The Relationship Pattern

Childhood narratives that become adulthood burdens.

Welcome to Cheaper Than Therapy, a healing newsletter for 80s babies by Shani Silver. This newsletter does not publish free content, but if you’d like to read it you can subscribe here. Thank you for enjoying the work of independent writers.

Have you ever watched someone you care about repeat patterns? Dating the same kind of people, putting up with the same mistreatment in relationships, staying small in their job, etc.? From the outside, it’s so frustrating to watch someone settle in real time, for a long time, because you want better for your friends and loved ones. Here’s a question: Aren’t you a “loved one” too? When’s the last time you looked at yourself the way you observe your friends? When’s the last time you asked yourself what you’re settling for? Do you ever want better for you? I do, all the time.

No one’s immune to this stuff, certainly not me. Please don’t think I’m writing from a place of superiority—just experience. Despite an immense amount of growth work that began nearly six years ago, I still find myself repeating the same emotional patterns over and over (and over) again. It’s not a big mystery, I know where this stuff comes from. It repeats itself often enough that we’re old acquaintances by now. For me the trouble isn’t recognizing my pattern—it’s breaking the motherfucker.